I fall from the sky but I won't fall forever
I fall but when I'll rise I'll be stronger than ever
- "Stronger Than Ever", Raleigh Ritchie
If you were on my website a week ago, you are probably surprised by what this website looks like now. For the past three years, I have been seeing private Thai Yoga clients, teaching yoga, and blending together all sorts of holistic modalities. Eir Heart was a smattering of yoga and healing offerings.
But. That's not where I am anymore.
Since LB was born, I've been awash in a shifting sea of emotions.
It has been beautiful. Unearthing old patterns I had been hiding from myself. Learning how to rest for the first time. Completely rebuilding my marriage from the ground up. However, as one could anticipate, this has also led to a shifting in priorities.
Yes, I have the energy to do many things, but that does not mean it is the right thing for my family. Whereas my old compass used to be, "Well, can I squeeze in a scheduled time slot for that?" Yes? Well, then it was tacked onto my already overly-full, overly-committed plate.
My perpetual overworking and focus on my "career" was a symptom of my fear that if I didn't do enough, then I wasn't worth anything.
Now? Well, let me first say: I have become a reluctant attachment parent. I never intended to have my son on me/with me all the time. He was supposed to be cared for by other people (my mom, my husband, friends, sisters...) so that I could continue my intense work schedule. ('Cause we need the money... *insert eyeroll at myself here*) But LB, my little Scorpio baby, had other plans. He loses his ever-loving mind whenever he is apart from Mama for more than 2 hours. He won't take a bottle. He generally won't nap unless he is on me. He just wants his mama's love and snuggles -- and that is his right as a baby human.
Surrendering to my son's needs was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
"Doing less" ran into every self-protective mechanism I had put into place. "But if I'm not constantly doing for other people, then I'll be cast out and no one will love me!" (Childhood trauma is a b*tch. More on that later.)
But at the end of the day, doing less wasn't optional. I had to let go of my Thai Yoga clients because it was putting intense emotional strain on my son (and my husband who would hold this screaming human for hours on end). Then other collaborative relationships began to fall away because the need to have my nursing son with me at all times became too foreign and too inconvenient for the other parties involved.
Each release of an obligation/collaboration/way of making money was a painful peeling back of yet-another shielding layer between my truest, vulnerable self and the rest of the world.
And what appears to reside under all that "doing" is a firey writer. So, here I am. I'm a cursing, often-angry, mostly-lovey, writing mama who has a deep calling to help all y'all get some spiritual healing support into your bodies. I am thrilled (and frankly, surprised) to offer this self to the world. This self has power and insight. This self really only has one f*ck to give. And my son gets that one.
my son is now my guru.
LB has taught me more about confidence and building healthy boundaries than any training or course I've ever undertaken. He is a (literally) screaming beacon of what is healthy for our family and what isn't. He's got a hell of a lot to teach all of us.
Eir Heart will now be a platform for sharing what I learn about healing, mamahood, and spirituality. I will still be teaching a few yoga classes every now and again, but I will not be promoting them actively. I will not be doing Thai Yoga or private client work for the foreseeable future.
My energetic boundaries are firmly oriented around lots of peace and quiet at home -- and carving out time and space to write.
I have deleted the old mailing list for Eir Heart. If you would like to join in for this new direction, I'd love it if you signed up at the bottom of the page!
I'd also love it if you shared your own truest-self-uncovering moments in the comments below. 'Cause I know you've done some serious transforming in your life. There's so much we can learn from each other.
With all the love,
**If you have known me for a long time, you will notice that I have changed the name I go by from "Catherine" to "CJ". This is two-fold.
1) CJ was the name I was originally going to be called by my parents. When I was born, my mother decided I was "too serious" and I became "Catherine". Going by CJ feels like returning to my original self -- before the world and its struggles got in the way.
2) CJ elicits more gender ambiguity, which is much more representative of my lived experience, and it helps to differentiate me from the myriad "Catherine Howard"s of history.
If you wish to start calling me CJ in person, that would be amazing! Of course, if you don't remember and still call me "Catherine", no worries.
With all the love again,